


Confusing Happiness

by unrequitedexistence



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 00:10:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6351076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unrequitedexistence/pseuds/unrequitedexistence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas went from being one of their favorite holidays to becoming a challenge to breathe through without breaking down. While hiding from everyone else, Christa and Leanne end up finding each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confusing Happiness

Christa Lorenson’s shift had ended over an hour ago – perhaps even two – and she was still on her scrubs, making her way to the locker room while praying for it to be empty. It was Christmas Eve. A few years back she would have been found in her kitchen letting flour fall purposely over her son’s head. He giggled as she told him that it was snowing inside the house. It had been her favorite holiday… until she had stopped having a family to go home to.

Now, around this time of the year she started avoiding the colleagues that felt somewhat closer to her. They tended to show her _the_ face before giving it some thought and asking her over. She felt bad, rude, for saying no even when she was sure most of them were just inviting her out of politeness… sometimes even pity.

It was complicated. Every year she ended up saying yes to someone and having to spend the entire evening wearing a mask of a cheerfulness she didn’t feel while being reminded of how much she missed _him_. The memories would become overwhelming after a while and would soon be followed by tears that would end up ruining the mood for everyone else. She would always end up feeling terrible, leaving earlier and coming across as discourteous anyway.

So nowadays she used a new tactic. She hid.

She walked into the locker room and froze as she found Doctor Leanne Rorish lying on the benches that stood in the middle of the room, one of her forearms covering her eyes and the other resting over her stomach.

“Shouldn’t you be half-way home by now?”

“I got a little… distracted.”

Christa took Leanne’s question as reassurance that she was not intruding, moving towards her locker and closer to the other woman.

“Where were you hiding?”

She was about to ask Leanne how she knew but then she remembered their past conversations. Leanne had been working here for years so she might have used the same technique at some point.

“Roof.”

“Clever. Even if someone was deliberately looking for you, they would probably give up before looking out there.”

“My thoughts exactly.” Christa said as she looked into her locker wondering whether she shouldn’t just pack everything and go home on her scrubs. It would make her look less desperate when she drove by the store to buy a turkey sandwich. “Apart from the whole _deliberately looking for me_ thing.”

“You don’t think people care?”

Leanne’s voice sounded closer, which probably meant that she was now sitting down somewhere behind her back. She could feel Leanne’s enquiring eyes on her neck. There was no point in lying, was there?

“I prefer not to think about it. Makes me feel less immoral about the hiding strategy.”

“Self-preservation is important.”

“According to my therapist it’s _the_ key. I just don’t know exactly to what.” Christa turned around to face Leanne, leaning back against the wall of lockers. “I feel selfish. From the moment I married, my husband became my life. Then Adam was born…” A smile tugged at the corners of Christa’s lips. Whenever she said his name out loud, the memories, no matter how hard, always spoke of wonder and happiness. “He was my life. He _is_ my life. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my sweet little boy.” A tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away before turning her back on Leanne. “I am sorry Doctor Rorish. I didn’t mean to drop all of this on you.”

“I wish I had something better to do.” Leanne started sadly, “But even then I want you to know that I would gladly listen.” She reached for Christa’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly, making her turn to her so that she could look her in the eye. “We are a team, a _family_. Each other’s well-being is important.”

“Thank you, Doctor Rorish. That means a lot to me.”

“Leanne. And you’re welcome.”

“Pardon?”

“It’s Christmas and it’s after hours so you should call me Leanne. Besides, I can then say that someone actually used my first name on Christmas outside of the hospital.”

“Should I even ask?”

“It’s Jesse.” Leanne said, a smile lighting her face for a moment as memories from previous Christmas crossed her mind. He always asked what she had been up to, giving her quite the speech if he found out that she had spent it at the hospital after being sent home. “He doesn’t like it when I spend unnecessary time at the hospital and the little bugger always knows when I am lying.”

“There’s only one tiny hole in your strategy, Doc – Leanne.”

Leanne raised an eyebrow curiously, amused with the tone and the way Christa had pronounced her name. It felt as if she was saying a complicated foreigner word she expected never to have to pronounce out loud.

“We are still at the hospital.”

“Dammit. He always gets me on the technicalities.”

Christa laughed and it was the most delightful sound Leanne had heard all day. It was the laugh of someone who wore her heart on her sleeve, someone who was comfortable enough to truly be genuine. Besides Jesse, and sometimes Neal, no one seemed to have the courage to outpour any samples of authentic happiness in her presence. There were the patients, of course, when thanking her for something she had done, for going out of her way to save their loved ones. But for simply being herself? She had been about to declare them extinct.

“I can walk you to your car and add Leanne to Merry Christmas.” Christa, still holding her hand and drawing what felt like letters on her skin with her fingertips – was this something she did when thinking, Leanne wondered… it was endearing – said in the most thoughtful and rational tone.

“What are you having for dinner?” Leanne caught herself asking, mentally slapping herself for saying it out loud without having given it any further thought. Then again, it could mean a thousand different things…

“Or maybe…” Christa stopped mid-sentence as Leanne’s words finally showed up and made her train of thought stop at the station before wreckage. “Huh, I was actually considering buying a packed sandwich somewhere.” She answered as she regained her composure. “My wonderful plan involved not changing from my scrubs to avoid _the_ face.”

Leanne didn’t know how to react. Where had Christa Lorenson come from? She was… quite something. There was an exceptional humanity to this woman and she found herself enjoying her company.

“You know, the face people give you when you are buying a packed meal for one during the holiday season.” Christa added, taking Leanne’s silence as a request for further explanation.

Her relationship with Christa Lorenson inside the hospital could indeed lead to conflict at times, but Leanne had a feeling that outside the hospital they would get along perfectly well. Her own thoughts surprised her. Here she was, considering opening up to someone who worked with her, someone who hadn’t even asked to be let in in the first place – or dared her to try to keep him out, like Jesse had done.

“I know the one.” Leanne said before letting go of Christa’s hand and getting up from the bench. She couldn’t help but notice the slight look of confusion on her resident’s face when she felt her hand going free and numb. “If I feed you, will you be my witness with Jesse’s case?”

“I would offer to lie and save you from all the work, but I am afraid I am terrible at it unless there’s a life threatening situation involved.”

Tactful. Graceful. Considerate. Leanne’s mind was officially convinced that this was an extraordinary idea.

“I don’t mind the work when it’s not just for myself.”

“I can help.” Christa offered instead of diving into an infinite ocean of introspective remarks about the cooking for one. Someone else would have automatically jumped at the chance to show concern, but the idea didn’t even seem to cross Christa’s mind. “I was always better at eating than cooking, but I can cover the basics.”

There was something new in Christa’s eyes, something that made them look ever bluer, if that was possible. Excitement, perhaps? She seemed to be looking forward to the whole arrangement and Leanne found herself sharing the feeling. The drive home would not be dreadful today. That was already something to celebrate.

They changed and left the hospital together, walking side by side while discussing what they should have for dinner. They drove by the store, in Leanne’s car, to get the ingredients for the main dish and the cake that Christa had decided she had to bake.

If someone looked at them without knowing their story, they wouldn’t catch on the heartbreak. Instead, they would find themselves smiling at the complicity. They moved around one another with ease. It was quite something to witness.

No matter the context, the feeling of ease seemed to follow them. They were now in Leanne’s kitchen, barefoot, talking about books as if this was something they did every week or so.

“I don’t remember the last time I sat down with a book.” Christa confessed as she mixed the ingredients for the cake. The dinner, Leanne’s special lasagna, was already in the oven and Christa intended on not letting it go cold by replacing it with the cake as soon as it was ready.

“I recall the last time I fell asleep holding a book.” Leanne started, bringing a small piece of carrot to her mouth. She chewed on it while the tried to remember the title. “I was given the book years ago and I promised I would finish it one day.”

“Have you tried reading it out loud? I used to do that all the time. To find my way back into the story.” She immersed her finger in the mixture and brought it to her mouth, instantly closing her eyes and moaning softly. “Just as I remembered.”

“May I try it?” Leanne said as she pushed her plate with carrots away and moved closer to where Christa was standing.

“Sure, let me get you a spoon…”

“Oh please.” Leanne mirrored Christa’s earlier gestures by immersing her finger in the mix and tasting it. “Delicious. I was never this good at baking.” Her voice was sincere and earned her a bright smile.

“Thank you.” She pretended to do a little bow. “We should save some for Jesse. As proof.”

“Indeed we should. His sweet tooth is even sharper than his curiosity.”

“Whose isn’t?”

“You would be surprised. Now stop eating that mix or else we will have no cake and you will spoil your appetite.”

Christa’s finger, which had been half way into the bowl, was retracted instantly. “Yes, Ma’am, yes.”

Leanne shuddered at _Ma’am_ and Christa’s face was instantly painted in fifty shades of concern.

“Now _that_ makes me feel old.”

“Old? _Oh_ _please_. Haven’t you heard? I am ancient. A relic, even. One of these days an archeologist will come by the hospital looking for me.”

Leanne burst out laughing, surprising herself more than Christa. The other woman seemed to have no doubts that Leanne was in fact a human being. After having been called _ice woman_ so many times, she had to confess she had started believing it herself.

“I am serious. You will see. Mario is bound to call one sooner or later.”

Leanne put one of her hands on the counter, applying her weight on it as she looked down while trying to catch her breath. She couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed so hard at something so… innocent.

“Are you okay?”

Christa’s hand founds its way to hers.

“Dying from laughter is possible.” Leanne looked back up, retrieving her hand to wipe away the tears. “I am just a little rusty. Thank you.”

“If only it was a joke…”

Leanne shook her head in amusement before turning around to attend to the lasagna. While she served the food Christa put the cake inside the oven and re-set the timer.

“Will you take these to the living room?” Leanne asked while nodding towards the filled plates. “I will just grab the iced tea from the fridge.”

Having set the table while Leanne had been busy starting the lasagna, Christa already knew the way.

They sat down across from each other and ate while talking about everything but work and loss. Both topics were truly far from their minds, something that would possibly make them feel guilty later, but definitely not at the moment.

“Did you recall the name of the book?”

“It’s on my bedside table.”

“Oh. Will you grab it while I take these to the kitchen and bring out the cake?” Christa was already standing up so Leanne nodded in agreement and left the room in search for the book. It proved to be more complicated than she had expected. There was mail everywhere, there was the journal where she wrote about her dreams, a couple of pens, a bottle of sleeping pills she had never touched…

When she returned to the living room she found Christa poking her slice of cake distractively. She seemed eager to eat it but for some reason she had decided to wait… Perhaps because that was the polite thing to do?

“Here it is.” Leanne said as she set the book by Christa’s side before going around the table to sit down.

“Oh, I have heard about this one. Someone told me it was must-read.” Christa said as she turned it in her hands so she could read the back cover. “How far in are you?”

“First line. Want to borrow it and then tell me what happens?”

“I don’t think that would work to fulfil your promise.” She turned the book in her hands again and ran her fingertips against the cover. She was coming up with a plan, of that Leanne was now a hundred percent sure. The recognition made her smile.

“What if we read it together?” Christa finally said as she looked back up from the book’s cover, finding herself looking at a deeply lost in thought Leanne. She had her eyes closed and she was… chewing. “It’s even better when cooked, isn’t it?”

“I think it’s going to earn me a free pass for the next century of holidays.” Leanne sighed contently, bringing another piece to her mouth. “I am sorry, you said something about the book?”

“Oh, I thought we could read it together. Every now and then, when you find yourself in need of a witness to your Leanne-ing outside of the hospital…” Christa shrugged, trying to come across as not scarily invested. Truth was, this had been the best night she had had in the longest time. She felt the need to cherish it… and perhaps extend it.

She had gotten Leanne at the _Leanne-ing_ thing, but she decided to give it some further thought instead of jumping right onto the boat and causing water to splash on their faces and possibly ruining their wonderful evening.

“It will probably only take us a few years…” Leanne said after chewing the last piece of her slice of cake. “It increases my chances of finishing it rather significantly.”

Christa had to control herself not to start jumping up and down. More than reading out loud, she loved being read to. It was definitely a win-win situation.

“Do you want to start now?”

“Sounds good to me. Let me just deal with the mess in the kitchen first.”

“Oh, I already ran everything by water and put it in the dishwasher while you were looking for the book.” Christa said timidly, running a hand down her loose hair.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to.”

“You cooked.”

“You baked.”

“But you are going to start the reading…” Christa offered with a coy smile that made Leanne’s heart skip a beat. She wondered if the other woman had any idea of the effect she had on people when she focused solemnly on them. When there was a crowd, when they were in the middle of a bloody mess, it was easy to miss it, but in a closed space… Leanne felt like she was being actually _seen_ for the first time since… forever. Apart from Jesse there had been absolutely no one…

“Fair enough. Shall we?”

They grabbed their glasses and made their way to the couch, setting them on the coffee table in front of it before making themselves comfortable.

“Ready?” Leanne asked as she retrieved her glasses from her bag that she had dropped by the side of the couch on the way in.

Christa nodded, focusing her full attention on Leanne as the other woman opened the book and read out loud the first line that she knew by heart because of having read it so many times before.

She read for hours, stopping every now and then for a sip of iced tea and for when Christa asked for a bathroom break. When she reached for her glass and found it empty, she stopped again. She was about to ask Christa to take over when her eyes met the sleeping figure of the other woman.

Leanne removed her glasses and studied Christa’s peaceful expression. There was a content smile on her face, her elbow prompted on the couch’s back and holding her head in place. It couldn’t be too comfortable but she looked like there was nowhere else in the world she would rather be.

She reached out to touch Christa’s knee. “Christa?” She said softly before leaning over slightly to brush a strand of blonde hair away from her eyes, tucking it safely behind her ear. “Time to go to bed.”

Once she was able to have Christa awake enough to convince her to get up from the couch, she had to remind the other woman that she had left her car at the hospital’s parking lot and that it was too late to drive back now. Once they agreed, Christa followed Leanne around as she turned off the lights and checked to make sure the door was locked before leading her to her bedroom.

They changed in silence, brushed their teeth and got into bed. There was no time to even think of awkwardness for they instantly fell asleep.

There were no nightmares, no insomnia, no bathroom breaks. They slept till Leanne’s alarm clock rang, causing her to jump slightly as she hadn’t awoken to it in years. She set it out of habit, always ending up leaving bed hours before it actually went off.

“Remind me to remind you to change that thing.” Leanne heard Christa mumble sleepily as they both sat up and stretched their arms, somehow avoiding each other’s limbs.

“So many words...” Leanne complained playfully before yawning and leaving the inviting warmth of the bed.

“The Force is strong in you, Leanne. My brain is still loading and you are already up and running.” Christa said, bringing the blankets to her neck and closing her eyes again, smiling into the warmness of a shared bed.

“We are having breakfast with Jesse, remember Yoda?” Leanne replied as she grabbed underwear, jeans, a tank top and a checkered shirt from her wardrobe.

“You shower first. I will wait here.”

“You better be awake by the beginning of the shift. I don’t want to have to fire you again.”

“Too soon.” Christa said without opening her eyes or dropping her smile. “But then I would have more free time for you to read to me. That would be nice.”

Leanne was officially grinning. How had this happened? How had they gone from colleagues to friends that you for once expect to pick up the phone at the first ring?

“I would have less time though for I would have to spend it looking for someone to replace you.”

“I could help you look.”

Leanne raised an eyebrow curiously. It felt like Christa was planning to move in permanently into her life. And was that such a bad thing? She had to confess the idea sounded rather appealing to her.

“I think I would miss you at work.”

At that Christa opened her eyes and found Leanne staring right back at her, no sign of insecurity or embarrassment from what she had just said.

“Why have one slice when you can have the whole cake, right?” The blonde started. “I would miss you too. Even when you give me your _you-are-going-too-far_ looks.” There was no resentment in her words, but they still made Leanne feel a bit uncomfortable.

“I am working on it.” Christa added, erasing every sign close to even starting to resemble awkwardness or regret.

“So am I.”

Christa walked by Leanne, kissing her cheek softly before going after the clothes she had left neatly piled on a chair across the room. “I will pack the chocolate cake while you shower. Then you can make some real coffee while I do?” She suggested as she put her socks back on, leaving the room once Leanne nodded.

Leanne stood there for a moment contemplating the possible outcomes of the current situation. She was halfway across the world when she realized what she was doing. She shook her head softy, sending the thoughts away as she jumped in the shower. She was not going to ruin whatever was happening by overthinking it.

They walked into the hospital about forty-five minutes later, dropping their things at the still empty and quiet locker room before making their way into the break room.

“Merry Christmas, _Mama_.” Leanne said, walking towards him and dropping a kiss on his cheek before sitting by his side.

“We come bearing gifts!” Christa added excitedly as she sat across from both of them, opening the bag and starting to distribute the coffee they had brought and the cake. “Merry Christmas.” She finally said as she leaned back, wrapping her hands around the warm cup.

Jesse was at a loss for words. He had not been expecting Leanne to show up looking beyond refreshed and… was that delight on her face? It certainly looked like it.

“What did you do to Grinch here?” He asked Christa, earning a playful elbow to the ribs from Leanne.

“I baked.” Christa answered with a shrug, taking a small piece of chocolate cake to her mouth.

“No dark circles under your eyes, no sarcasm before wishing me a Merry Christmas and homemade cake for breakfast?” Jesse paused to try the cake. He chewed carefully, his eyes closing as the chocolate melted on his tongue. “Ah, finally the Christmas miracle I’ve been hoping for. All I need now is snow.”

“You want to start Christmas with a code black raised to infinity?” Leanne raised an eyebrow at her old friend as she took another sip of her coffee. Christa just sat there, amused by their banter. They did sound like an old married couple.

“Ah, there you are. I missed you.”

Leanne rolled her eyes dramatically before focusing her attention on the cake.

“Okay. I am going to change and make a call.” Christa stood up, deciding that sooner rather than later would be better for her to place the call and that she should give Leanne and Jesse some privacy before the madness started. “Jesse. Leanne.” She started, a smile taking over her face as she noticed how easily the name slipped out of her mouth now. “I mean, Dr. Rorish. Hospital, yes. I will see you two out there.”

She was halfway gone when she felt a hand tugging at her wrist. She turned around to find Leanne standing right in front of her.

“Everything okay?”

“What? Oh, yes. I just need to call Paul’s mother. Her son might have left me but she didn’t.” She sighed deeply before shaking the memories away and recuperating her cheerful smile, even if only at half power.

“Hey. Don’t hesitate, okay?” Leanne said, her eyes on Christa’s and her hand caressing her wrist.

“Thank you.”

“Always.”

Leanne turned around and went back to the table as they still had quite some time before the beginning of the shift. Besides, she was sure that Jesse had a lot of questions. Instead of asking them right away he started humming Christmas songs.

“Out with it.” She said after a while, reaching for another slice of cake for courage, pretending to be annoyed.

“What do you mean?” He asked innocently, taking another sip of coffee while looking at her from behind the cup.

“I cooked. She baked. We slept.” Leanne had to fight not to break into a grin as memories from the in-betweens took over her mind.

“I didn’t ask.” He said as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close and kissing her forehead. “I am happy for you.”

“Does that mean I get a free pass for the next century of holidays?”

“What? No way. This new information gives me grounds to plea to reinstate a couple of holidays. Better yet, I say we start _officially_ celebrating every single day!” Jesse laughed at Leanne’s face expression. For a moment she had considered the idea in her head and she had obviously enjoyed it.

“More time for _Leanne-ing_.” She half-whispered into her cup with a smile.

“What did you just say?”

“Someone needs to get this place going and that someone is us. Chop chop.”


End file.
